Some Thoughts Inspired By "The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking" by Oliver Burkeman

I just finished reading the book, The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman. In general, I found this book to be very insightful, and would definitely recommend it, especially for those who love the philosophy/psychology genre of literature as much as I do. I agree with author Daniel H. Pink who said, "The Antidote is a gem. Countering a self-help tradition in which 'positive thinking' too often takes the place of actual thinking, Oliver Burkeman returns our attention to several of philosophy's deeper traditions and does so with a light hand and a wry sense of humor. You'll come away from this book enriched-and yes, even a little happier."

That said, here are some of my thoughts on a few of the sections that I found to be the most thought provoking.

Chapter 8, Momento Mori: Death as Way of Life, Burkeman offers some interesting perspectives on the topic of death. This chapter suggests that most of us are extremely terrified at the thought of our own mortality, often to the extent that we choose to live in denial of it all together. I'm not sure that I agree with that. I don't think it's so much that we are in denial of the fact that we'll eventually die, as that we simply choose not focus on it. In fact, one could argue that it's because we accept our final fate so completely, that we are capable of not thinking much about it, for the things we tend to focus on, are the things we hope to change in the future, or wish we had changed in the past, not the things that have always been outside of our control.

So although not all of us are in denial of death, I do agree that most of us find the thought of our own death or the death of our loved ones naturally upsetting. John Updike once wrote, "Every day, we wake slightly altered, and the person we were yesterday is dead. So why, one could say, be afraid of death, when death comes all the time?" We all know this is true. The problem is, accepting that all things must change and eventually end, doesn't make the reality of having to say goodbye any less sad. 

 In Momento Mori: Death as Way of Life, Burkeman did provide a perspective that I found to be very comforting, and one that I hadn't considered it before. He brings up a point that the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus once made that has become known as the 'argument of symmetry'. The book reads, "Why do you fear the eternal oblivion of death, he wonders, if you don't look back with horror at the eternal oblivion before you were born - which, as far as you were concerned, was just as eternal, and just as much an oblivion?"

What a great question! But like I said before, many of us are not so much terrified or horrified by the idea of death, it just has a tendency to make us feel very sad. So I rephrased the question to this, "Why does the eternal oblivion of death make you feel so sad, if you aren't saddened at the eternal oblivion before you were born?"

I found that asking myself this question to be incredibly comforting, most likely because it helps to see the bigger picture. I think that this could even be applied not only to the loss of ourselves, but also the loss of the people we love. Perhaps the two best ways to find comfort when saddened by loss, is to allow yourself to see the bigger picture or to live in the moment and not think at all about what you have said goodbye to in the past, or what you must say goodbye to in the future. But living in the moment can be incredibly difficult for must of us, especially in times of grieving, which may make the ability to see the bigger picture that much more important.

I likely took some of the points in this book in a completely different direction than what Burkeman intended, but this book really made me think, and I am thankful for that. Any book that makes me ponder things to the extent that The Antidote did, is certain to deserve a place on my book shelf! In fact, this book earned a place on My Fifty Favorite Books list, which, given how much I read, isn't an easy list to make.

I must confess that my favorite part of the book was actually the Epilogue, Negative Capability, where Burkeman reflected on some wisdom of Keats and the importance of having the ability to not always seek the resolution. He wrote, "Sometimes the most valuable of all talents is to be able not to seek resolution; to notice the craving for completeness or certainty or comfort, and not to feel compelled to follow where it leads." So true! In fact, it reminded me of one of my all time favorite literature passages by Rainer Maria Rilke:

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”

There is so much more in this book that I could write about and I'm sure I will read it again and again in the years to come. Definitely check it out if you haven't already and I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Blood-Remembering

I just had to share this beautiful passage from Rainer Maria Rilke's book, The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Bridge. It almost made me cry.

"Ah! but verses amount to so little when one writes them young. One ought to wait and gather sense and sweetness a whole life long, and a long life if possible, and then, quite at the end, one might perhaps be able to write ten lines that were good. For verses are not, as people imagine, simply feelings (those one has early enough), —they are experiences. For the sake of a single verse, one must see many cities, men and things, one must know the animals, one must feel how the bids fly and know the gestures with which the little flowers open in the morning. One must be able to think back to roads in unknown regions, to unexpected meetings and partings one had long seen coming; to days of childhood that are still unexplained, to parents whom one had to hurt when they brought one some joy and one did not grasp it (it was a joy for someone else); to childhood illnesses that so strangely begin with such a number of profound and grave transformations, to days in rooms withdrawn and quiet and to mornings by the sea, to the sea itself, to seas, to nights of travel that rushed along on high and flew with all the stars—and it is not yet enough if one may think of all of this. One must have memories of many nights of love, none of which was like the others, of the screams of women in labor, and of light, white, sleeping women in childbed, closing again. But one must also have been beside the dying, must have sat beside the dead in the room with the window open and the fitful noises. And still it is not yet enough to have memories. One must be able to forget them when they are many and one must have the great patience to wait until they come again. For it is not yet the memories themselves. Not till they have turned to blood within us, to glance and gesture, nameless and no longer to be distinguished from ourselves—not till then can it happen that in a most rare hour the first word of a verse arises in their midst and goes forth from them."

                                                                         

'Food For Thought' Friday! Joseph Campell On The Purpose Of Life

Today's food for thought is an excerpt from "Joseph Campbell - The Power of Myth with Bill Moyers" I love reading Joseph Campbell's work, and although I don't entirely agree with all of his viewpoints, it always gives me something to think about. This excerpt is from a PBS series (see following link below for more details) that featured a series of conversations between Campbell and journalist Bill Moyers. I hope you find it interesting!

                                                                       

MOYERS: So the experience of God is beyond description, but we feel compelled to try to describe it?

CAMPBELL: That’s right. Schopenhauer, in his splendid essay called "On an Apparent Intention in the Fate of the Individual," points out that when you reach an advanced age and look back over your lifetime, it can seem to have had a consistent order and plan, as though composed by some novelist. Events that when they occurred had seemed accidental and of little moment turn out to have been indispensable factors in the composition of a consistent plot. So who composed that plot? Schopenhauer suggests that just as your dreams are composed by an aspect of yourself of which your consciousness is unaware, so, too, your whole life is composed by the will within you. And just as people whom you will have met apparently by mere chance became leading agents in the structuring of your life, so, too, will you have served unknowingly as an agent, giving meaning to the lives of others, The whole thing gears together like one big symphony, with everything unconsciously structuring everything else. And Schopenhauer concludes that it is as though our lives were the features of the one great dream of a single dreamer in which all the dream characters dream, too; so that everything links to everything else, moved by the one will to life which is the universal will in nature.

It’s a magnificent idea – an idea that appears in India in the mythic image of the Net of Indra, which is a net of gems, where at every crossing of one thread over another there is a gem reflecting all the other reflective gems. Everything arises in mutual relation to everything else, so you can’t blame anybody for anything. It is even as though there were a single intention behind it all, which always makes some kind of sense, though none of us knows what the sense might be, or has lived the life that he quite intended.

MOYERS: And yet we all have lived a life that had a purpose. Do you believe that?

CAMPBELL: Wait a minute. Just sheer life cannot be said to have a purpose, because look at all the different purposes it has all over the place. But each incarnation, you might say, has a potentiality, and the mission of life is to live that potentiality. How do you do it,’ My answer is, "Follow your bliss." There’s something inside you that knows when you’re in the center, that knows when you’re on the beam or off the beam, And if you get off the beam to earn money, you’ve lost your life. And if you stay in the center and don’t get any money, you still have your bliss.

MOYERS: I like the idea that it is not the destination that counts, it’s the journey.

CAMPBELL: Yes. As Karlfried Graf Durckheim says, "When you’re on a journey, and the end keeps getting further and further away, then you realize that the real end is the journey."

The Navaho have that wonderful image of what they call the pollen path. Pollen is the life source, The pollen path is the path to the center. The Navaho say, "Oh, beauty before me, beauty behind me, beauty to the right of me, beauty to the left of me, beauty above me, beauty below me, I’m on the pollen path,"

A Brilliant Speech By Marc. S. Lewis On What It Means To Be Successful

I recently stumbled upon a commencement speech by Marc S. Lewis given in 2000. I found it to be very inspiring and thought provoking and would encourage you to read the entire speech which can be found here: http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/admin/Grad/lewis.html. Below are three excerpts from the speech that I especially loved.

"There are times when you are going to do well, and times when you're going to fail. But neither the doing well, nor the failure is the measure of success. The measure of success is what you think about what you've done. Let me put that another way: The way to be happy is to like yourself and the way to like yourself is to do only things that make you proud."

"The way to be happy is to like yourself. That’s the real reason not to lie or cheat or turn away in fear. There’s that old joke, not very funny, that goes "no matter where you go, there you are." That’s true. The person who you’re with most in life is yourself and if you don’t like yourself you’re always with somebody you don’t like."

"...whatever strong belief you now hold about what it means to be successful, I hope you will stay open to the possibility that you’ve got it all wrong and graciously accept your new awareness when it comes, with gratitude and humility."

As One's Perspective Grows Do Things Mean Less?

I recently picked up a book by Karl Ove Knausgaard called "My Struggle." I started reading it, although once it started boring me I stopped, so unfortunately, I cannot recommend it, although some readers will undoubtedly find it to be magnificent. However, there were a couple lines in the beginning that really made me think.

Knausgaard says, "As your perspective of the world increases not only is the pain it inflicts on you less but also its meaning. Understanding the world requires you to take a certain distance from it."

Is this true? Can meaning and understanding be enemies of each other? Is this why sometimes it takes years after a relationship ends before you can really understand why everything happened the way it did? Is this why sometimes you don't realize how much you loved and depended on someone or something until after it is gone? Is this why the things we cherish the most are so often confusing and mysterious?

I don't know.

What do you think?

                                                               

3 Intriguing Articles About Nostalgia

When I think about nostalgia I am reminded of the Milan Kundera quotation that reads: "The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return." I think that describes it very well. Here are the links to three articles on the topic that examine it a little deeper.

1) Nostalgia: On the Wistful Presence of Absence

This article says that the longing from nostalgia comes from "the indefinable sadness of life's finite essence slowly slipping away from us. Each look back subconsciously reminds us that there's that much less to look forward to—the sand in our hourglass trickling ever lower. Our lives that much more "used up." I suppose this is part of aging and something we will all experience more of as we become older. I do think that although nostalgia is natural we should never allow it to cause us to miss out on the life we are experiencing now. I believe that at any age there are new adventures to be had, new experiences to treasure, and new people to meet. In other words, this is a well written article, but don't let it depress you too much!

2) Nostalgia: Why we think things were better in the past

This article brings up a couple of really great points. First, it points out that nostalgia is so powerful that a large number of products have been created to appeal to our 'nostalgic tendencies.' Just looking around my room I know this is true, for I can see several items that I purchased primarily because they reminded me of something else! However, the article did reassure me that being vulnerable to such things does not mean I'm a weak person. It actually shares that "Research in 2008 showed nostalgia to be a feature common to the most resilient people" and "Sociable, emotional and motivated people are more likely to relish some reminiscence." A very interesting and surprising find indeed!

3) Nostalgia is Good Medicine

This article suggests that the reason we might be so prone to nostalgia is because it "promotes psychological well-being" and "fosters feelings of belongingness." Definitely worth a read!

50 Simple Pleasures!

Thank you to everyone who sent me a few of the simple pleasures in life that they are thankful for this year. Here is a list of 50 of my favorites along with a few of my own!

1. a really good cup of coffee
2. silent, rainy mornings
3. good memories
4. a clear conscious
5. a book that takes your breath away
6. chicken fried steak
7. surviving cancer
8. falling in love
9. new friends
10. an ice cold beer
11. cats
12. writing a poem
13. sunny days
14. bike rides
15. a long distance phone call from someone you love
16. hearing the laughter of a small child
17. fresh garden vegetables
18. having a job in this economy
19. large dogs
20. smell of a bonfire on a crisp, fall evening
21. being able to afford groceries
22. sunrise
24. owning a reliable car
25. flower gardens
26. having the finances to sponsor a child in Zambia
27. laughing uncontrollably
28. falling autumn leaves
29. the fresh smell after rain
30. hugging your children
31. chocolate cake
32. cups of tea
33. sarcasm
34. pink clouds
35. hot candlelit bath
36. a glass of wine at the end of a long day
37. warm oatmeal cookies
38. roses
39. smelling the perfume/cologne of someone you love
40. blueberries
41. sleeping in
42. dancing
43. kisses
44. discovering something you forgot you had
45. rainbows
46. listening to music
47. vanilla candles
48. buying a new lipstick
49. walking on the beach
50. popcorn and a movie

My Favorite Passage From "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"

I wanted to share a passage from The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera that in essence suggests that we all need to feel important somehow the only difference is to whom. I think that there is a lot of truth to this. In my opinion, Kundera has moments in his work where he shows a brilliant understanding of human nature and this is one such example.

“We all need someone to look at us. we can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under. The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public. The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. They are the tireless hosts of cocktail parties and dinners. they are happier than the people in the first category, who, when they lose their public, have the feeling that the lights have gone out in the room of their lives. This happens to nearly all of them sooner or later. People in the second category, on the other hand, can always come up with the eyes they need. Then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. Their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. One day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark. And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. They are the dreamers.”

My Response To The Question: What Good Is Art?

A couple of weeks ago, I asked readers to answer this question, “What Good is Art?” and received some wonderful responses. Now, it’s time to share my answer to the question.

Art, in its various forms, literature, music, film, photography, etc., is immensely valuable to the human soul. I honestly believe that it is what gives life meaning for a lot of people myself included. One might question this, saying, “What about God, or love, or the people you care about? Aren’t those things more important?” But you see, to me, art is a way to feel connected with the spiritual world. Even prayer, one could argue, is a form of it, and to be honest, certain music has made me feel closer to God than anything else ever could. As far as love and relationships, the painter Vincent van Gogh once said, "I tell you, the more I think the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people." I believe that he was right.

Although there are many different ways in which art can be meaningful, I believe that truly valuable art is significant for one of three reasons. It provides an escape, it teaches you something, or it helps allow you to heal.

Escape art is what we experience when we become so absorbed in a book or a film, in the lives of the characters or the story, that for a moment we are able to forget our own. It allows us to experience vicariously places, events, and emotions that we may never have felt otherwise. It helps us to forget, even if just momentarily, our own problems, struggles, and pain. I am a firm believer that escape art is good for the mind, good for the body, and especially good for the soul. It is sometimes almost like medicine to me, I honestly cannot imagine living without it.

Art also provides value when it teaches us something. Sometimes the lesson is obvious, other times we learn through stories or metaphors. Some art forces us to think about things in a completely new way or opens our minds to new perspectives or possibilities. Sometimes art has the ability to convey a message in a way that nothing else can, and has the ability to make all of us better, wiser, and more compassionate.

Last, but not least, art can help us to heal. We can pour our hearts into the creative process and turn suffering and painful experiences into something positive. Art isn't always about the end result; sometimes the value is in the making of it, the intense emotions it allows us to express, and the things we learn about ourselves in the process.

My Favorite Responses to the Question: What Good is Art?

Last week, I posted the question, "What Good is Art?" I know a lot of my readers are passionate about various forms of art so I was very interesting in seeing how people would answer this question. Thanks to everyone who sent a response! I received a lot of great answers, but managed to select five of my favorite that I'm so excited to share! Also, I've been thinking a lot about how I would answer this question myself, so next week I hope to post my response. I hope you enjoy reading the following responses as much as I did, and thanks again to everyone that participated!

What Good is Art?
From @DeiStarr
http://debbubbles.blogspot.ca/

"Art is the outpouring of one soul's inspiration, inspiring others.  It lifts, fulfills, and sustains our hearts.  Art is emotive, with the power to move hearts and minds.  It is provocative, with the power to shock, disturb, and revolutionize our way of thinking.  Art influences the way we see the world and ourselves.  Without art, we would be a poor culture indeed."

What Good is Art?
From Blythe Crowe
www.awolstencils.wordpress.com

"Art is a release of thoughts and emotion. It can become a portal, so that you may close your eyes to another reality. Art is truth, and lies... Without art this world would have no emotion, no personality. Without art we (Society) are merely science. Art allows us to tell a story, some of which we make through fantasies. Art can be good or bad. You may save a life through a painting or poem by pure inspiration, or you may alienate another through exaggeration."

What Good is Art? 
From Nathaniel Stewart (@NateStewart_TLA)

“My definition of art is, for all intents and purposes, anything that stands out to any individual person. It goes without saying that we are all different from our cultures, our likes and dislikes, our upbringings, our tastes....but we all have that "sense" about us as far as art, what catches our eye, and what actually qualifies as art. Most people look at classic pieces like the Mona Lisa or the 16th Chapel and go, "Wow," but there are other people who look at much more simplistic, less skillful pieces such as Piet Mondrian's paintings where he used a lot of primary colors and simple lines and have the very same reaction.

There is a friend of mine who has an enlarged, close up, and cropped black and white photograph of a fork on a countertop hanging in her house. To me, it's just a cool but slightly useless picture of a glorified fork. But to her, it's one of the absolute best photographs that she has ever seen and it is her favorite. Why? I'm still not sure, and she won't give me a definitive answer but she will say things like, "I just love the way it looks," or "I like the angle of the fork." Obviously, something about the piece resonates with her and causes it to stand out in her minds eye. To her, it's art. It gives her a feeling, or provokes a memory that she maybe likes to revisit. Or, she simply thinks it's beautiful, and who am I to tell her that it isn't just because I don't necessarily dig it?

Art is personal, whether you are the creator or the admirer. I have seen people damn near go to war arguing over a piece that one thinks is amazing and the other thinks is complete crap. Even outside of the world of what is commonly considered art (such as paintings, sculptures, drawings, etc.) you see the same type of thing. We have all been in situations where we like a song and someone else is all, "That song is stupid and you're stupid for liking it," and vice versa where we do the very same to them.

That's the beautiful thing about art. It has so many forms, meanings, and intents. Art is beautiful, art is personable, art is mysterious...art is us essentially."

What Good is Art?

From Jena

"The arts exist as the best expression of the human condition. When someone takes a completely original idea, formulates a plan and executes that idea into reality, it's the closest we get to understanding creation.

No matter what art form you consider -- visual fine arts, dance, film, music, theater, literature, design, photography, architecture and more -- from cave paintings to graphic novels, they may be thought of as community identifiers, gathering reference points that include and define people. As consumers, these genres offer shared experiences that tell us who we are and what is important to us.

There is a fairly accepted rule that contemporary art reflects the society in which it exists. I'm not sure that's true, since academia has its thumb on the scale in turning out contemporary artists who in turn portray contemporary society. I say give it a hundred years or so and see what still holds up as relevant. Then we'll see."

What Good is Art?

From Jim Dirkes (@thefilmthugs)

http://thefilmthugs.com/

"What good is art? Well, that’s easy. It’s all pretty paintings for nice people to look at. Right? I mean, that’s what art is, like... paintings and stuff, right?

It sounds dismissive, but it does get to the heart of it. Really, how you answer that question relies entirely on how you answer a few other questions.

What is art?
Who is art for?
What is the purpose of a particular piece of art?

Bruce: You have no idea what I want. What is chess, do you think? Those who play for fun or not at all dismiss it as a game. The ones who devote their lives to it for the most part insist that it's a science. It's neither. Bobby Fischer got underneath it like no one before and found at its center, art. I spent my life trying to play like him. Most of these guys have. But we're like forgers. We're competent fakes. His successor wasn't here tonight. He wasn't here. He is asleep in his room in your house. Your son creates like Fischer. He sees like him, inside.
Fred: You can tell this by watching him play some drunks in the park?

Bruce: Yes. You want to know what I want. I'll tell you what I want. I want back what Bobby Fischer took with him when he disappeared.
 - Searching for Bobby Fischer- (written and directed by Steve Zaillian)

I think that sums up the first question for me. If you are able to do something in a pure and beautiful way, and understand it, and it speaks to you in a way that nothing else can... how is that not art? I mean, baseball is just a game, but if you’ve ever seen the poetry that is a perfectly executed  6-4-3 double play you can understand that there is art in the heart of that game. Even if you don’t like the game, a play like that is so fluid and moving that you can’t help but feel it. Not just see it, but feel it.


Hell, look at the history of the Boston Red Sox, which was an outright tragedy for 86 years. When you see the years of suffering and heartbreak that the fans went through, then see the release of emotion when they finally won a championship... it’s operatic. How many pieces of classical art have had that level of emotional effect on that many people?

Essentially, art is where you find it.

John L. Sullivan: I'm going out on the road to find out what it's like to be poor and needy and then I'm going to make a picture about it.

Burrows: If you'll permit me to say so, sir, the subject is not an interesting one. The poor know all about poverty and only the morbid rich would find the topic glamorous.

John L. Sullivan: But I'm doing it for the poor. Don't you understand?

Burrows: I doubt if they would appreciate it, sir. They rather resent the invasion of their privacy, I believe quite properly, sir. Also, such excursions can be extremely dangerous, sir. I worked for a gentleman once who likewise, with two friends, accoutered themselves as you have, sir, and then went out for a lark. They have not been heard from since.

 -    Sullivan’s Travels (written and directed by Preston Sturges)

This really sums up my feelings on the second question. A lot of art is created for people who “get” art, and there is nothing wrong with that. There are people out there who see art as being something that only people with training can really understand. They hold that there is an elite class that can truly understand and appreciate art and everyone else is a petit bourgeois who is content living a consumer driven life. That’s fine... for them. It also happens to be complete nonsense.

Art is for anyone who feels a genuine emotional response to something. I will return to sports again (fyi, I’m only using sports metaphors because for many people sports is as far removed from art as you can get). You may not see the poetry of sports, but there are people who see someone like Michael Jordan or Wayne Gretzky or Peyton Manning and they way they play the game stirs something in them. The grace, the athleticism, the strategy, the very understanding of themselves and those around them creates a balletic symphony of movement that gets to the very heart, the viscera of what it means to be human and to what we as humans are capable of.

For some people, a crucifix floating in a jar of urine does the same thing. So be it. But just because someone went to art school doesn’t mean that the experience of another person is invalid.

John L. Sullivan: There's a lot to be said for making people laugh. Did you know that that's all some people have? It isn't much, but it's better than nothing in this cockeyed caravan.

 -    Sullivan’s Travels (written and directed by Preston Sturges)

 I don’t believe the nature of art has ever been as concisely stated as it is here. For a lot of people there is a stark divide between “high” art and “low” art. From this view some pieces of art are inherently better than others. If we were to focus on the film world this is where the master directors reside. Hitchcock, Kubrick, Bergman, Fellini, Forman, Bunuel, Kurosaua, and countless others are held up as this ideal of cinema, and rightfully so. These are absolute masters of their craft who created some of the most amazing films that have ever been created.

But what about people who aren’t fancy pants filmmakers? What about people who just make movies?

I’m no great fan of Adam Sandler films. I have enjoyed some of his past work, but the stuff he makes now just doesn’t do it for me. They are broad, crass humor that doesn’t really strive for anything more than cheap laughs with outrageous characters and predictable plots.

But is that a bad thing? If someone works way to hard for way to little money at a job where they are disrespected by their boss and the clients, has a horrible marriage and a few kids that hate him and he can sit down and watch “That’s My Boy,” and for 90 minutes forget about everything awful in his life... how is that not art? It may not be your particular cup of tea, but if a stupid move is able to cause a reaction of pure joy in the heart of someone who desperately needs something to feel joyous about that seems, to me at least, to be the very essence of art.

So, after all that blustery hoopla let’s return to the question.

“What good is art?”

Art is an objective good. It elevates us when we fall, grounds us when we get too far from center, it distracts us when we need it, it reminds us of things we need to remember, and it helps us forget things that are best left forgotten. It exists where we need it to and is there if we need it or not."

 

The 'Albatross' and "The Wind Is Not Depressed"

I recently stumbled across an article published by The Sun magazine in 2004 titled “The Wind Isn’t Depressed.” It is based upon conversation between authors Michael Ventura and Robert Bly about “art, madness, and the joy of loss.” Although there are certainly viewpoints expressed in the article I do not agree with, it did bring up an interesting point that I really liked and thought was worth sharing.

In one of Bly’s poems he writes,

                “Why do we imagine that we are responsible for all

                The pain of those near to us? The albatross that lands

                On the mast began flying a thousand years ago.”

Ventura mentions that one reaction to this could be that it is an abdication of responsibility and that this cannot help us understand how we are responsible for each other’s pain. Bly responds to this by saying, “When something goes wrong in a marriage, and it all comes to grief, it’s our habit to think, It’s my fault. But from the view point of an older culture, each of us has had many past lives, and the suffering that you and your spouse just went through is not coming from your connection to each other. It’s coming from those past lives. The albatross began flying a thousand years ago.”

As we struggle with relationships, especially those that go sour, we are constantly fighting to try to figure out where the blame lies. In times when this is unclear, which is often, some of us default to blaming ourselves while others tend to blame the other person. Few of us embrace the perspective that sometimes the ultimate conflict between two individuals actually begins way before they even met, in all the past moments of their lives, and in the lives of those before them that have had an impact on the person they have become. Although I certainly believe that there are times where it is important to accept responsibility in the failure of a relationship, I also believe that there are times when we should realize that there are forces in our lives pushing us in a certain direction, and that there are some crashes in life that we couldn’t have prevented even if we’d tried. In other words, you can’t blame everything on Bly’s ‘albatross’ but there is liberation and value in knowing that it’s there.

Valuable Lessons From "Be Excellent at Anything"

Although personally I think a lot of self-help books are full of bullshit and bad advice, I always keep my eyes out for the few a year that I discover that can really teach me or remind me of something of value.  The latest such one that I stumbled across is called “Be Excellent at Anything” by Tony Schwartz. I thought this book made several really good points that are worth sharing.

                                                                   

1)   Great performers tend to work more intensely than most of us do but also recover more deeply. Absorbed focus and learning to practice a task with a very high level of attention are very important. There is likely a maximum amount of time that we are capable of working or practicing with such great intensity which means we should not underestimate the need for proper breaks and rejuvenation. Many forms of rejuvenation that I used to see as ways of being lazy or a waste of time I now realize are essential to high performance.

2)   Ask yourself the question, “Is the life you’re leading worth the price you’re paying to live it?” It is important to take the time to look at ourselves honestly to prevent lack of awareness, self-deception, and a failure to see the full consequences of our decisions from leading us down the wrong road. The book also emphasizes that “By embracing our own opposites and getting comfortable with our contradictions, we build richer, deeper lives.” It is suggested that following list of qualities be considered in terms of which quality you value in each pair. 

Extroverted                        Introspective

Decisive                             Open-minded

Confident                           Humble

Logical                               Intuitive

Tactical                              Reflective

Pragmatic                           Visionary

Discerning                          Accepting

Honest                               Compassionate

Courageous                        Prudent

Tenacious                           Flexible

Tough-minded                    Empathic

Many organizations tend to value the qualities on the left side far more, but if we undervalue the qualities on the right we lose access to “essential dimensions of ourselves and others.” Reflecting back on the cultures of some of my former workplaces, I definitely agree that most leadership models encourage cultivation of some of these qualities at the expense of others. The book reads, “Honesty in the absence of compassion becomes cruelty. Tenacity unmediated by flexibility congeals into rigidity. Confidence untempered by humility is arrogance. Courage without prudence is recklessness. Because all virtues are connected to others, any strength overused ultimately becomes a liability.” So true, and yet so often forgotten!

3)   Will and discipline are overrated. According to Roy Baumeister, who has spent much of his career studying self-control, “Acts of choice draw on the same limited resource used for self-control.” Limited is the key word here. For example, people that are on diets tend to perform worse than nondieters on tasks that require focus and vigilance. Instead of constantly struggling to exercise self-control we are better off focusing on replacing bad habits with positive rituals, because the more behaviors become a routine the less conscious effort and energy they require. “The less conscious willpower we have to expend to make things happen the more effective we become.”

4)    Resist the temptation to be constantly multitasking. Ironically this often leaves us feeling emptier and disconnected. Except in rare circumstances it is better and more effective to focus on one thing at a time. We are likely much better off if we build our capacity for absorbed attention and high level concentration.

5)    A quote was mentioned from a speech by Drew Gilpin Faust from her first baccalaureate ceremony address as Harvard University’s new president. “You are worried because you want to have both a meaningful life and a successful life. If you don’t try to do what you love—whether it is painting or biology or finance; if you don’t pursue what you think will be the most meaningful you will regret it.” This is so true and a good reminder, because the opportunity to become successful can be very tempting, and many people gradually sacrifice doing what they love to achieve it, and that is no small price to pay. It is important to continue to be aware of the tradeoffs we are making.

This is not so much a summary of what the book teaches as just a few things that stood out to me that I wanted to share. Feel free to check out the book yourself if you are interested in more of what the author has to say (I included the Amazon link below). Also, feel free to share your thoughts about the points above, as I would love to hear your opinions! Thanks!